Endless Craps

RIDING BIKES

2010-02-21T19:01:00.003-08:00

It was the first day of the school year, and an elementary teacher was trying to get to know her students.

"What did you do this summer?" the teacher asked Suzie.

"Me and my family went to the beach a lot," Suzie answered.

"That sounds like fun," said the teacher. "How about you, Emma? What did you do this summer?"

"Me and my family rode our bikes together."

"That sounds lovely," said the teacher. She continued with all her pupils until she got to shy Mikey in the corner of the room.

"What did you do this summer, Mikey?"

"Nothing," the boy responded timidly.

"Did you do anything with your family?" the teacher asked, trying to draw Mikey out.

"Yes."

"Did you go to the beach?"

"No."

"Did you ride bikes?"

"No, never!" the boy burst out. "We can never ride bikes together!"

"Why not?" said the shocked teacher.

"I don't know," explained Mikey, "but dad always said, when then mom and sis start 'cycling together', it's time to get the hell out of town."

HOT TAMALE

2010-02-21T19:01:00.002-08:00

There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning and the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think honey, we've been married for 50 years."

"Yeah," she replied. "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."

"I know," the old man said. "We were probably sitting here as naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."

"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we?"

Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

"You know honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you as they were fifty years ago."

"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps, "One's in your coffee and the other one's in your oatmeal."

HOW TO REJECT EMPLOYMENT REJECTIONS

2010-02-21T19:01:00.001-08:00

Subject: Human Resources

Dear Hiring Manager,

Thank you for your letter of March 16.

After careful consideration, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me a position in your department. This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.

Despite your companies' outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at this time. Therefore, I will assume the position in your department this August. I look forward to seeing you then.

Best of luck in rejecting future applicants.

Sincerely,

Interviewee

SUPERMODEL LOGIC

2010-02-21T18:57:00.000-08:00

Elle, Helena and Naomi were on their first plane flight together. In the middle of the flight, the pilot warns them of severe storms and the worst weather conditions and the possibility that the plane may crash. The girls were all anxious and thought their plane may crash.

They all rush to put their seat belts on and Elle is busy unbuttoning her blouse and showing her cleavage. Helena and Naomi look at her surprised and ask her what she is doing. Elle said, "Well, if the plane crashes and we go down, when the rescuers come, they will notice my lovely breasts and rescue me first."

Helena then gets out her compact and starts putting on her make up and brushes her hair. Elle and Naomi ask her what she's doing and say its a waste of time, especially since they are going to crash. Helena then said, "Well, when the plane crashes, we go down and the rescuers arrive, they will notice I am the most beautiful girl and they will rescue me first."

To Elle's and Helena's shock and horror, Naomi undoes her seat belt, starts to pull her pants down and then slips her panties off. The girls ask Naomi what she is doing and she said, "Boy, you guys are dumb. Everyone knows the first thing the rescuers look for after a plane crash is the Black Box!"

BREACH OF CONTRACT

2010-02-20T15:02:00.005-08:00

Storming into his lawyer's office, a Texas oil magnate demanded that divorce proceedings begin at once against his young bride.

"What's the problem?" asked the lawyer.

"I want to hit that adulterin' b*tch for breach of contract," snapped the oil man.

"I don't know if that will fly," said the lawyer. "I mean your wife isn't a piece of property, you don't own her!"

"Damn right," the tycoon rejoined, "but I sure as hell expect exclusive drillin' rights!"

CLEANSING POWER

2010-02-20T15:02:00.003-08:00

There once was a young woman who went to confession. Upon entering the confessional she said, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."

The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."

The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."

The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Take seven lemons and squeeze them into a glass and then drink the juice.

The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"

"No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."

WHAT'S A HEADACHE?

2010-02-20T15:02:00.001-08:00

After a few days, the Lord called to Adam and said, "It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth so I want you to kiss her." Adam answered, "Yes Lord, but what is a 'kiss?'" So the Lord gave a brief description to Adam who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush.

A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, "Thank you Lord, that was enjoyable." And the Lord replied, "Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that. Now I'd like you to caress Eve." And Adam said, "What is a 'caress?'" So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve.

Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, "Lord, that was even better than the kiss." And the Lord said, "You've done well Adam. Now I want you to make love to Eve." And Adam asked, "What is 'make love' Lord?'" So the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he reappeared in two seconds. And Adam said, "Lord, what is a 'headache?'"

THINGS A MAN SHOULD NOT SAY IN A VICTORIA'S SECRET STORE

2010-02-20T15:00:00.002-08:00

* 'll be in the dressing room going blind.

* Mom will love this!

* Do you have this with a logo on it?

* No need to wrap it up. I'll eat it here.

* Will you model this for me??

* The Miracle What?! This is better than world peace!

* 45 bucks?! You're just going to end up NAKED anyway!

* Oh Honey, you'll never squeeze your fat a$s into that!

* Does this come in children's sizes?

* No thanks. Just sniffing.

MOAR!!!

2010-02-20T15:00:00.001-08:00

ohnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, but she belonged to someone else...

One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "I'll give you a $100 if you let me screw you. But the girl said NO.

Johnny said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up. "

She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend... So she called her boyfriend and told him the story.

Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down."

So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call.

Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.

She responded, "The /b/tard used coins!"

Management lesson: Always consider a business proposal in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed!

Thought i'd save for tomoro but, WTF. I really Lol'ed so hard at this

Anger management?

2010-02-20T14:59:00.003-08:00

Husband: "When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?"

Wife: "I clean the toilet."

Husband: "How does that help?"

Wife: "I use your toothbrush ."

21stCentury.

2010-02-20T14:59:00.002-08:00

Our communication - Wireless

Our dress - Topless

Our telephone - Cordless

Our cooking - Fireless

Our youth - Jobless

Our food - Fatless

Our labour - Effortless

Our conduct - Worthless

Our relation - Loveless

Our attitude - Careless

Our feelings - Heartless

Our politics - Shameless

Our education - Valueless

Our follies - Countless

Our arguments - Baseless

Our boss - Brainless

Our Job - Thankless

Our Salary - Very less.!!!

That day I go up north with Linpeh to Ipoh to eat Taugeh chicken lice, then on the way kambing back to KL he suddenly shouted ...

2010-02-20T14:59:00.001-08:00

Linpeh : OI!!! STOPPTHE CAR!!!
Me : What??!!
Linpeh : STOP THE CAR!!!
Me : HERE? In the middle of nowhere? you crazy??!!! no way!
Linpeh : Stop the car or i will shit in your car!
Me : MCH!!! ok ok I stop!!! I stop!!! Stop where ?
Linpeh : There! u see the bush there?
Me : Ok ok now get the outta my car and go shit in the bush!

Linpeh jumped outta my car and run as fast as he could into the bush while i stay in the car and wait for him to finish his business ....

A few minits later my phone ring ... I see see its Linpeh.

Me : Halo! You shit that time need to chat with someone only can come out izzit?
Linpeh : Oi! Your car got tissue paper anot?
Me : Tarak! Sand paper u ngam anot?
Linpeh : Mahai dun play!!
Me : Really tarak wan leh! In my boot there really got sand paper wan!
Linpeh : D|u la! no tisue how to wipe?
Me : Err ... use leaves la!!!
Linpeh : Mch! no leaves on the ground la! if wanna use leave kenot climb tree naked ledi! Lu siao ar??!!
Me : Aiyaks! lidat ... lidat ... ermm
Linpeh : D|u! Faster help me think la!
Me : OH!! use money!!! you got one ringgit anot?
Linpeh : Got! Then?
Me : Use it to wipe la!
Linpeh : Use one ringgit to wipe?? U sure can anot??!!!
Me : Can la!!! last time my relative also done something lidis before geh! trust me!
Linpeh : MCH! if you bruff me then u die!

Few minutes later I can see Linpeh emerges from the bush ... something dont seems very right, the way hes walking is somehow wrong .... so i got down of the car and asked him ...

Me : Oi your shit too hard your a$$hole koyakED izzit?
Linpeh : No lah! this time my shit soft soft sticky sticky one! got undigested taugeh sommo!
Me : Then why u walk lidat wan??
Linpeh : Niahma! all thanks to you la!
Me : Why me?
Linpeh : You asked me to use one Ringgit to wipe my ass lar d|u!
Me : Yar ... dint that do the trick? If one ringgit not enuff then u use 2 ringgit la!
Linpeh : Mahai!!! 2 Ringgit??!! I where got so much coins??!!!

Male Comebacks

2010-02-20T14:59:00.000-08:00

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Really? I heard it was because everyone there thinks you're slutty.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Man: Probably because you'd be on your knees greeting my crotch.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
Man: That's cool, 'cause after I get done nailing you in the back of my car... I don't give a crap where you go.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.
Man: No problem, I can always withdraw onto your face

Man: Do you want to dance?
Woman: No!
Man: I think you misheard me. I said you look fat in those pants.

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
Man: That works for me... as long as you're still warm when I do you.

PERIOD COMMUNICATION

2010-02-20T14:58:00.000-08:00

The Direct Approach

Description: You just say it.

Examples -
1. "I got my period today." (The simple version)
2. "I got my period today so we can't have sex tonight." (The "let there be no doubt" version)
3. "Honey, I'm bleeding." (The gross version)

Benefits: Fast, simple, gets the message across. Amusing results can be achieved when the timing is right. Such as when you're in a public place or eating dinner. More amusing results can be achieved when you're eating dinner with his parents. The best results, of course, will be achieved when you're eating dinner with his parents in a public place.

Cautions: May freak out some men, if you're unsure about the nature of the relationship you're in but would rather not find out at this stage - go for an alternative approach. Sometimes best to keep until the last minute, like when he can't tell you to go home. Will give away the fact that you regard it as an issue (that is, if you regard it as an issue)

Requirements: At least a little bit of courage and an open, well established relationship are advisable.

The Casual (or "by the way") Approach

Description: You talk about something else and then slip the line in when he's not expecting it.

Examples -
1. "Oh, I got my period today." (the simple version)
2. "Oh look! we've almost run out of milk... Oh by the way, I got my period today." (The "obscure chain of thought version")
3. "Oh, yeah, and I got my period today too." (the "I am being direct but I didn't think it was that important" version)

Benefits: Cunning, fast, fairly simple, gets the message across. Doesn't require as much courage as the direct approach. Doesn't make you look like you're making a big issue out of it.

Cautions: Still requires some sort of courage. When done badly may be taken as the direct approach only even more so cause you supposedly tried to be subtle about it.

Requirements: A little bit of courage still, some manipulation skills and knowing to spot the difference between the right moment and the wrong moment.

The Humorous Approach

Description: Turn it into a little joke.

Examples -
1. You (in an excited tone of voice): "Guess what I got?"
Him: "what? what?"
You: "My period!"
2. You: "There's good news and there's bad news. The good news is that you didn't get me pregnant."
Him: "And the bad news?"
You: "The way I find out" (The "may need some clarification for the stupid" version)

Benefits: Endearing, amusing, makes the whole thing more relaxed and fun for both of you.

Cautions: May not work if he doesn't have a sense of humor. May take a few more sentences to explain what you mean if he's not very bright. You need to come up with new jokes all the time unless he has a very short memory.

Requirements: Both of you must have a sense of humor for this to work.

The Subtle Approach

Description: Instead of telling him, you give little hints that make him figure out for himself.

Examples -
1. Spread a lot of tampons around the house in obvious places. (The very subtle version)
2. Ask him if he's seen your pack of tampons. (The slightly less subtle version)
3. Send him to buy you more tampons. (The even less subtle version)
4. Talk about the way you feel when you have your period until he asks. (the possibly very long version)

Benefits: Takes the load off you. Doesn't require courage. Useful for times when you want to get the message across without giving away your overall intentions (like when you're trying to play hard to get but your intention is to eventually get laid).

Cautions: may take a long time and possibly not deliver the message at all.

Requirements: The man must have a functioning brain with at least one clue in order for this method to work.

The "Let the ******* figure it out" Approach

Description: You act out your PMS till he asks if you got your period. Then you get upset and act out your PMS some more for good measure.

Examples -
1. Be grumpy and mean. (the toned down version)
2. Throw something heavy at him. (the not so toned down version)
3. Do something horrible to his favorite things, like burn his favorite pair of boxers or sell his CD collection. (the fun version)

Benefits: Fun, fairly direct and you don't have to raise the issue yourself, if it works.

Cautions: When taken the wrong way, may lead to some relationship woes. If you follow example #2, may involve the police coming round.

Requirements: A tolerant man is advisable if you care about whether or not he sticks around/survives. A first aid kit can sometimes help.

The "Periods can be fun!" Approach

Description: When you tell him. try and soften the blow by talking about something fun you could do that you wouldn't do otherwise.

Examples -
1. "I got my period today, honey. We can finally go out and see what color the sky is!" (the "wonderful new opportunities" version)
2. "I got my period today, honey. We can explore out intellectual side tonight instead of just having sex like everybody else." (the "god I hope he falls for this psychology-fluff crap" version)
3. "I got my period today, honey. We can go out and so something fun. We haven't been doing that recently... I'll pay."(the wimpy bribery version)

Benefits: Delivers the message. when it works - it makes them feel happy and in touch with their feminine side or at least well fed for less cash.

Cautions: Sometimes they don't fall for it. Lacks self respect.

Requirements: The ability to talk shit and a nice loaded wallet are advisable.

The Sympathy Approach

Description: Make him feel so sorry for your monthly suffering he won't have time to think of his minor inconvenience.

Examples -
1. "Owwww, cramps!" (the pained version)
2. "Yuck blood!" (the "I'm totally grossed out, your cue to tell me I'm beautiful" version)
3. "Don't mind me, I'll just sit here and hate myself and drown in blood and be in pain for a whole week!" (The dreaded Jewish guilt trip version)

Benefits: Fun, gets the message across very well, gets you sympathy when it works.

Cautions: May be lost on the ******* ******* ones. Has to be done convincingly in order to work.

Requirements: some skills in the fishing department are advisable.

The Sweet Surprise Approach

Description: Don't tell him.

Examples -
1. "Oh yeah. I got it today, forgot to tell you. Sorry about the mess." (the regretful version)
2. "Ok, I won't tell you it's blood. Happy now?" (the no regrets version)
3. "Haven't you ever seen a tampon before?" (the duuuuuuuuuuh approach)
4. "Naaah, it's ok we don't have to have sex tonight, I'm tired too." (the lucky version)

Benefits: you don't have to do anything and if you're lucky - he never finds out.

Cautions: very risky, they normally do find out and sometimes they don't take it well.

Requirements: A very laid back man and a good washing powder are advisable.

Caturday forth

2010-02-19T17:05:00.000-08:00

Pictures Only Part 4

2010-02-19T16:57:00.000-08:00

INVENTIONS

2010-02-15T15:16:00.007-08:00

Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the gate, the angel tells Ford, "Well, you've been such a good guy and your invention, the car, changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want in heaven."

So, Henry Ford thinks about it and says, "I wanna hang with Adam, the first man." So, the angel points Adam out to Ford.

When Ford gets to Adam, Ford asks, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of the woman?"

Adam says, "Yes."

"Well, says Ford, "You have some major design flaws in your invention:

1. There's too much front end protrusion.

2. It chatters at high speeds.

3. The rear end wobbles too much.

4. And the intake is placed too close to the exhaust."

"Hmmm...", says Adam, "Hold on." So Adam goes to the celestial supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results. The computer prints out a slip of paper and Adam reads it.

He then says to Henry Ford, "It may be that my invention is flawed, but according to the stellar computer, more men are riding my invention than yours."

PAYBACKS, OUCH!

2010-02-15T15:16:00.006-08:00

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting.

He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport.

Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.

The businessman got in the first cab in the line. "How much for a ride to the airport?" he asked.

"Fifteen bucks," came the reply.

"And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?"

"What?! Get the hell out of my cab."

The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.

When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked, "How much for a ride to the airport?"

The cabbie replied, "Fifteen bucks."

The businessman said, "Ok" and off they went. Then, as the drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.

NO ROOM AT THE INN

2010-02-15T15:16:00.005-08:00

A man needs a room for the night. He stops at an inn and asks for lodgings. The innkeeper says that he doesn't have any rooms available but there is one big bed in a room that he can share with another man but he must warn him that the man snores so bad that no one can stand it.

The traveler says that would be fine. Next morning he comes down all smiles and tells the innkeeper that he had a great nights sleep.

The innkeeper was shocked and asked the man how he was able to sleep with all that noise.

The man said, "Simple, when I got in the room I leaned over and kissed the man on the cheek and said 'have a good night, beautiful'. He stayed awake all night watching me."

MY CONDOLENCES

2010-02-15T15:16:00.003-08:00

Sadie lost her husband almost four years ago and still has not gotten out of her depression, mourning as if it were only yesterday. Her daughter constantly is calling her and urging her to get back into the world.

Finally, Sadie says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replies, "Mama! I have someone for you to meet."

Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills. And we know what that meant.

One room and the normal follow up to that. Their first night there she undresses as he does. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties. He in his birthday suit. Looking at her he asks "Why the panties?"

She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."

He knows he's not getting lucky that night.

The following night the same scenario. She standing there with the black panties on and he in his birthday suit; except that he has an erection on which he has a black condom.

She looks at him and asks, "What's with this... a black condom?"

He replies, "I'm going to offer my condolences."

THE UNION BROTHEL

2010-02-15T15:16:00.001-08:00

A dedicated shop steward was at a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madame, "Is this a union house?"

"No, I'm sorry, it isn't," said the Madame.

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" he asked.

"The house gets $80 and the girl gets $20."

Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable shop. At the second one, he asked the Madame, "Is this a union house?"

"No, I'm sorry, it isn't," said the Madame.

"If I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" he asked again.

"The house gets $80 and the girl gets $20."

Again offended, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable shop. His search continued until he finally reached a brothel where the Madame said, "Why yes, this is a union house."

"And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" he questioned.

"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

"That's more like it!" the man said. He looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive redhead. "I'd like her for the night."

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madame while gesturing to a grotesque woman in her seventies in the corner, "But Ethel here has seniority."

Freebies

2010-02-15T15:13:00.005-08:00

A Scottish man, an Englishman and an Irishman are sitting in a pub discussing the best pubs around. The Englishman says, "There's a pub in the West Midlands where the landlord buys you a drink for every one that you buy."

The Scot is not impressed and says, "That's nothing! In the Highlands, every time you buy a drink, the landlord buys you five."

At this point, the Englishman is fairly impressed. The Irishman, totally unimpressed, says, "That's nothing. In Dublin, there's this pub where the landlord buys your drinks all night, and then when the bar shuts, he takes you into a room and makes love to you."

The Scot and Englishman are well impressed and ask if the Irishman goes there a lot.

He replies, "No, but my sister told me about it."

The Priest Who Couldn't Lie

2010-02-15T15:13:00.004-08:00

A distinguished looking young lady is on a flight returning from Switzerland. She finds herself seated next to a priest and asks "Excuse me father, may I ask a favour of you?"

"Well of course Miss, what can I do for you?" he replies.

"Here's the dilemma, I purchased for myself, a superbly sophisticated
Electronic hair remover. I paid a lot of money for it. I really went well
over the limits set forth by Customs, and I fear they will confiscate it from me. Could you perhaps secret it through Customs for me under your robes?"

"I certainly could my dear, only I must warn you I really am not ever able to lie.."

"You have such an honest face father, surely they will never ask any
questions of you," and with that she hands him the hair remover.

After landing they proceed through Customs and it becomes the father's turn in line.

"Father, do you have anything to declare?" asks the Customs Officer.

"From the top of my head to my waist I have nothing to declare my son."

Finding this answer a little strange the Customs Officer proceeds to ask, "And from the waist to the floor, what do you have to declare?"

The father replies, "I have a marvellous little instrument destined to be
used on a woman, but which has never yet been used.."

Roaring with laughter the Customs Officer says, "Go right through Father."

Knowledge and Time

2010-02-15T15:13:00.003-08:00

Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power.

Postulate 2: Time is Money.

As every engineer knows,

Work
---------- = Power
Time

Since Knowledge = Power, and Time = Money, we have:

Work
----------- = Knowledge
Money

Solving for Money, we get:

Work
------------------ = Money
Knowledge

Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches
infinity regardless of the Work done.

Conclusion: The Less you Know, the More you Make.

Note: It has been speculated that the reason why Bill
Gates dropped out of Harvard's math program was because he
stumbled upon this proof as an undergraduate, and
dedicated the rest of his career to the pursuit of
ignorance.

Look At Not Only The Numbers

2010-02-15T15:13:00.002-08:00

A farmer takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him."

They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also."

They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one."

The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and see if it was 365 times with the same cow."

2010-02-15T15:13:00.001-08:00

After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past.

"C'mon, tell me," she asked for the thousandth time, "how many women have you slept with?"

"Baby," he protested, "if I told you, you'd throw a fit".

Kim promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.

"Okay," he said, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's you - nine, ten, 11, 12, 13."

2010-02-15T15:11:00.000-08:00

One day, 8 year old barry and his grandfather went out on a walk. During their walk, grandfather lit up his ciggratte and began smoking.

Barry, thought it looks cool to blow smoke out and decided to ask for a puff.

"Grandpa, Can i have a puff?" asked Barry
"Is your pen!s long enough to touch your assho|e dear barry?" the grandfather asked.
Barry answered "no".
"Then i'm sorry you can't have a puff" replied grandfather

After the walk, grandfather went home, sat on the couch and opened a can of beer. Barry wanted to taste it.

"Grandpa can i have a sip of your beer?"asked barry

Grandpa turned to the question again by asking "is your pen!s long enough to touch your assho|e?"
Barry again replied "No".
Grandpa then said "I'm sorry Barry then you can't have a sip".

A week passed and Barry's parents won the lottery and decided to give $100 to Barry to use for anything he likes.

Grandfather started a conversation with barry by saying "You have a lot of money there Barry. How about taking your old grandpa for a nice meal?"

Barry thought for a while and asked "Is your pen!s long enough to touch your assho|e?"

Grandfather looked delighted and said "YES!!!"

to which Barry replied: (scroll down)

THEN YOU CAN GO F**K YOURSELF

Caturday Reloaded

2010-02-15T14:55:00.000-08:00

Pictures Only Part 3

2010-02-15T14:53:00.000-08:00

CNY Special

2010-02-14T04:33:00.000-08:00

tiger year, drink tiger beer..,
eat tiger biscut..,
use tiger balm n watch tiger show...,
but dont play like tiger wood. (one stick, play many hole)
wishing you happy cny

BOB

2010-02-12T17:05:00.001-08:00

A woman is frustrated with her love life because her husband has a massive crush on Brigitte Bardot. To win back his attentions, she goes to a tattooist to have the letters 'BB' tattooed on her boobs.

The tattooist warns her that age and gravity would probably make this unattractive later in life, and suggests the tattoo on her butt instead. She agrees, and bends over to receive a 'B' on each buttock.

When her husband gets home from work that night, she greets him by turning around, bending over, and lifting her dress to expose the artwork.

"What do you think?" the wife says.

"Uh, who the hell is Bob?" the husband replies.

2010-02-12T17:03:00.001-08:00

Frank was so excited to be going bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Then there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.

The black bear said, "You've got two choices. I either maul you to death or we have sex." Frank decided to bend over. He felt sore for two weeks.
Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it. There was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him.

The grizzly said "That was a huge mistake, Frank. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we'll have rough sex." Again, Frank thought it was better to comply. Although he survived, it would take several months before Frank finally recovered. Outraged he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned round to find a giant polar bear standing there.
.
.
.
.
.
.
,
The polar bear said:- "Admit it, Frank. You don't come here for the hunting did you?"

2010-02-12T17:02:00.002-08:00

I RANG THE DOOR BELL DIDN'T I?

A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married.
She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED !
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay,
she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a
wheel chair. He had no arms or legs.
The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider
you, are you? Just look at you....you have no legs!"
The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!"
She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!"
Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!"
She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you still good in bed?"

With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and said,
"I rang the doorbell didn't I?"

Golf Genie

2010-02-12T17:02:00.001-08:00

A couple decides to go golfing to the best golf course in their state. While playing, the husband tells his wife to be very careful, as there were many houses along the golf course, but the wife swings her club and breaks one of the windows of the biggest house on the course.

The husband and wife decide to go and apologize to the owner of the house. When they reach the house they find a glass bottle lying on the floor broken into hundreds of pieces. They then find an old man sitting in a rocking chair in the corner.

"I am a genie and I would like to thank you for letting me free from this bottle,” the old man says, “and I would like to grant you two wishes, but the third wish is mine."

The husband thinks about it for a moment and says, "I want a private aircraft for myself."

The wife says, “I would like a house in every single country in the world.”

The genie agrees and says, "For the past 200 years I have not had sex and I would like to have sex with your wife."

The husband agrees and the genie takes the woman upstairs and begins having sex with her.

Once they are done, he rolls over and asks the woman, "How old is your husband?"

"47," she replies.

”Wow,” the man says, shaking his head, "And he still believes in genies?"

2010-02-12T17:01:00.001-08:00

Hotel Phone Call

I had checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so I
thought I'd get me one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths
when you're calling for a cab. I grabbed a card on my way in.

It was an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending
over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places,
beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up. You know the
kind. So I'm in my room and figure, what the hell, I'll give her a call.

'Hello?' the woman says. God, she sounded sexy. 'Hi, I hear you give a
great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No,
wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really
want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking
kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys,
everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night;
Tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whip cream,
anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?'

She says, 'That sounds fantastic, but for an outside line you need to press
9.

Mother Nature

2010-02-12T17:01:00.000-08:00

A husband and wife were out playing golf. They tee off and one drive goes to the right and one drive goes to the left. The wife finds her ball in a patch of buttercups. She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball. She hits a beautiful second shot, but in the process she hacks the hell out of the buttercups.

Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere. She blocks her path to her golf bag and looks at her and says, "I'm Mother Nature, and I don't like the way you treated my buttercups. From now on, you won't be able to stand the taste of butter. Each time you eat butter you will become physically ill to the point of total nausea."

The mystery woman then disappears as quickly as she appeared. Shaken, the wife calls out to her husband "Hey, where's your ball?"

"It's over here in the P***Y willows."

The wife screams back, "DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!! DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!!"

UGLY

2010-02-12T17:00:00.001-08:00

Jane was one of those UGLY women, so ugly it hurts. She never had a boyfriend so she went to a Psychic for help.

"Honey," said the Psychic. "You will not have luck in love in this life. But, at the reincarnation, you will be a very desired woman and all men will fall at your feet."

Jane left very happy and so excited, as she went over a bridge she thought, "The sooner I die, the sooner my next life begins."

She decided to jump off the bridge right away.

But, incredibly Jane didn't die!

She fell on the back of a truck full of bananas, she lost her senses and fainted. As soon as she recovered, still drowsy and not being able to see very well, and not knowing where she was, she started touching her surroundings, feeling all the bananas she mumbled with a huge smile on her face,

"Gentlemen! Please! One at a time!!!"

Two whales

2010-02-12T17:00:00.000-08:00

A male and a female, were swimming side by side in the ocean.

Suddenly, the male whale spots a ship in the distance. He recognizes it as the whaling ship that killed his father.

Filled with anger, he says to his female companion, "That's the ship that killed my father! Let's swim closer!"

When they were close enough, the male said, "Why don't we swim under the ship and blow air through our blow holes and break the ship into a million pieces? That will be sweet revenge." And the female agreed to this.

So they each took a deep breath of air, swam under the ship, and blew enormous amounts of air under the ship. The ship flew into the air and crashed back to the sea and broke into a million pieces.

The pair of whales started to swim off when they realized that the sailors were not dead, but clinging to pieces of wood and floating in the ocean.

The male whale was furious and said to the female whale, "They're still alive, but I've got another idea. Let's swim around and gulp up all the sailors!"

That's when the female stopped swimming, looked at the male and said, "Oh no... I agreed to the blow job but I'm NOT swallowing the seamen."

PREGNANCY

2010-02-12T16:57:00.008-08:00

BEFORE THE PREGNANCY:

Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather then briefs?
Yes, but you'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear anything at all.

Are birth control pills deductible?
Only if they don't work.

What is a chastity belt?
A labor-saving device.

Should I have a baby after 35?
No, 35 children are enough.

Can a mother get pregnant while nursing?
Yes, but it's much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and puts him to sleep first.

My husband and I are very attractive. I'm sure our baby will be beautiful enough for commercials. Whom should I contact about this?
Your therapist.

DURING THE PREGNANCY:

How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
If it's the flu, you'll get better.

I normally wear a size 34-C bra. Now that I'm pregnant, should I continue to wear a bra?
Not if you don't mind switching in the future to a size 34-Long.

What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
Childbirth.

I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?
Yes, your bladder.

Ever since I've been pregnant, I haven't been able to go to bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving?
Depends on what you're doing with them.

Under what circumstances can sex at the end of pregnancy bring on labor?
When the sex is between your husband and another woman.

What position should the baby be in during the ninth month of pregnancy?
Head down, pressing firmly on your bladder.

My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

When is the best time to get an epidural?
Right after you find out your pregnant.

What does it mean when the baby's head is crowning?
It means you feel as thought not only a crown but the entire throne is trying to make it's way out of you.

What are forceps?
Giant baby tweezers.

Does labor cause hemorrhoids?
Labor causes anything you want to blame it for.

AFTER THE PREGNANCY:

Will I love my dog less when the baby is born?
No, but your husband might get on your nerves.

Under what circumstances should a baby not be circumcised?
When it's a girl, for starters.

Where is the best place to store breast milk?
In your breasts.

Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?
Yes, baby lips.

What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.

How does one sanitize nipples?
Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan.

What are the terrible twos?
Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey.

What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
When you see teeth marks.

What is the grasp reflex?
The reaction of new father's when he sees new mother's breasts.

What happens to disposable diapers after they're thrown away?
They are stored in a silo in the Midwest, in the event of global chemical warfare.

Do I have to have a baby shower?
Not if your change the baby's diaper very quickly.

What causes baby blues?
Tanned, hard-bodied bimbos.

What is colic?
A reminder for new parents to use birth control.

What are night terrors?
Frightening episodes in which the new mother dreams she's pregnant again.

Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
When the kids are in college.

Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
Yes, pregnancy.

2010-02-12T16:57:00.007-08:00

Two older men are sitting on a park bench talking when one of them asks the other about his sex life. The man says that he has an excellent sex life and is still very active in the sack.

The other man confesses that his sexual appetite has greatly diminished with old age, so he asks the other man if he has any secrets for staying sexually vital.

"Well," the man answers, "I eat rye bread everyday. If you just eat rye bread, your sex life will improve dramatically."

The other man decides to follow this advice and finds a bakery nearby. He tells the clerk behind the counter that he wants all of the loaves of rye bread that they have in stock.

The clerk then asks the man, "Do you want whole loaves or do you want us to slice them?"

The man looks puzzled and asks the clerk, "What’s the difference?"

The clerk responds, "Well, when it's sliced, it gets harder faster."

To which the man responds, "How come everyone knows about this but me?"

THE PICTURE DIET

2010-02-12T16:57:00.006-08:00

I remember one time when I was home visiting my folks. My mom asked me to set the table for dinner. I opened the refrigerator and taped to the inside of the door was a risqué picture of a lovely, slender, perfectly built, but scantily-clad young woman.

"Mom, what's this?" I asked.

"Oh, I put that up there to remind me not to overeat," she answered.

"Is it working?" I asked.

"Yes and no," she explained. "I've lost 15 pounds, but your dad has gained 20!"

JUSTIFICATION

2010-02-12T16:57:00.005-08:00

A pissed-off wife was complaining about her husband spending all his time at the pub, so one night he took her along with him.

"What'll ya have?" he asked.

"Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied.

So the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one go.His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out.

"Yuck, it's bloody shit!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"

"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"

A FOUR-LETTER WORD

2010-02-12T16:57:00.004-08:00

One day, a shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting," thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person."

Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope himself. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pope.

Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out off his bag and began working on it. This is fantastic, thought the gentleman. I'm really good at crosswords. Perhaps if the Pope gets stuck, he'll ask me for assistance.

Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the man and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in 'unt'?

The man was in shock. He could only think of one word that fit the description and he was not about to say it to the Pope. The gentleman thought for a while longer, then it hit him.

Turning to the pope, the gentleman said, "I think you're looking for the word 'aunt'."

"Of course," said the Pope. "Do you have an eraser?"

THE MATING CALL

2010-02-12T16:57:00.003-08:00

There were two Indians and a Polish fellow walking along together in the desert, when, all of a sudden, one of the Indians took off and ran up a hill to the mouth of a cave. He stopped and hollered into the cave... "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!" and then listened very closely until he heard the answer..."Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!" He then tore off his clothes and ran in to the cave.

The Polish fellow was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was all about, was that Indian goofy or something.

"No," said the other Indian. "It is mating time for us Indians and when you see a cave and holler, "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!" and get an answer back, that means that she is in there waiting for you."

Well, just about that time, the other Indian saw another cave. He took off and ran up to the cave, then stopped and hollered, "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!" When he heard the return, "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!" off came his clothes and into the cave he goes.

The Polack started running around the desert looking for a cave to find these women that the Indians had talked about. All of a sudden, he looked up and saw this great big cave. As he looked in amazement, he was thinking, "Man! Look at the size of that cave! It's bigger then the ones that those Indians found. There must really be something really great in this cave!"

Well... he took-off up the hill at a super fast speed with his hopes of ecstasy and grandeur. He got in front of the cave and hollered, "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!" He was just tickled all over when he heard the answering call of, "WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!! WOOOOOOOOO!!!" Off came his clothes and, with a big smile on his face, he raced into the cave.

The next day in the newspaper the head lines read: Naked Polack Run Over By Freight Train!!

Special Nicknames

2010-02-12T16:57:00.001-08:00

There are these three girls and their boyfriends all have the same
name. So in order to keep them from getting confused, they decided
to give their boyfriends nicknames.

So they asked the first girl what she called her boyfriend. And
she says, "I call my man 7-up." They ask her," Why do you call
your man that," and she says," Because he's seven inches long and
is always up.

They ask the second girl what she calls her man. She says," I call
my man Mountain Dew." They ask," Why do you call your man that,"
and she says, "Because he likes to Mount me and to Do me."

They ask the third girl the same thing and she says, "I like to
call my man Jack Daniels." They look at her puzzled and say,"
Why do you call your man that ?, Jack Daniels is a Hard Liquor,"
and she says, "Exactly."

2010-02-12T16:56:00.000-08:00

A college student picked up his date at her parents home. He'd scraped together every cent he had to take her to a
fancy restaurant. To his dismay, she ordered almost
everything expensive on the menu: appetizers, lobster,
champagne . . . the works. Finally he asked her, "Does your
Mother feed you like this at home?"
"No," she said, "but my Mother's not looking to get laid,
either."

Oops...A Phone Call

2010-02-12T16:53:00.006-08:00

A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her
husband's best friend. They "entertain themselves" for hours, and
afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings.

Since it's her house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover watches
her and listens intently, only hearing her side of the
conversation.

Speaking in a cheery voice, she says, "Hello? Oh, hi! I'm so glad
that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you!
That sounds terrific! Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."

She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh," she replies, "that was my husband. He was telling me all
about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with
you."

THE BIG APPLE

2010-02-12T16:53:00.005-08:00

Miss Annabelle has just returned from her big trip to New York City and is having refreshments on the front porch of her daddy's mansion with her Southern Belle friends. She tells them the stories of her trip as they stare spellbound.

"You just wouldn't believe what they have there in New York City," says Miss Annabelle. "They have men there who kiss other men on the lips."

Miss Annabelle's friends fan themselves and say, "Oh my! Oh my!"

"They call them homosexuals," proclaims Miss Annabelle.

"They also have women there in New York City who kiss other women on the lips!"

"Oh my! Oh my," exclaim the girls. "What do they call them?" they asked.

"They call them lesbians," says Miss Annabelle.

"They also have men who kiss women between the legs, there in New York City," sighs Miss Annabelle.

"Oh my! Oh my! Oh my," exclaim the girls as they sit on the edge of their chairs and fan themselves even faster. "What do they call them?" they ask in unison.

Miss Annabelle leans forward and says in a hush, "Why when I caught my breath, I called him 'Precious'!"

Logic of the Pen1s

2010-02-12T16:53:00.004-08:00

One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had
written the word 'penis' in tiny small letters. She turned around, scanned the
class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it, and
began her class.
The next day she went into the room and she saw, in larger letters, the word
'penis' again on the black board. Again, she looked around in vain for the
culprit, but found none, so she proceeded with the day's lesson.

Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the
same word written on the board, and each day it was written in larger letters.

Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word on
the board, but instead, found the words, "The more you rub it, the bigger it
gets!"

WUT IS MARKETING

2010-02-12T16:53:00.003-08:00

1. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: ' I am very rich. Marry me! ' - That's Direct Marketing'

2. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says: ' He's very rich. 'Marry him.' -That's Advertising'

3. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day, you call and say: ' Hi, I'm very rich. 'Marry me - That's Telemarketing'

4. You're at a party and see gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a
drink, you open the door (of the car)for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her ride and then say:'By the way, I'm rich. Will you 'Marry Me?' - That's Public Relations'

5. You're at a party and see gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says:'You are very rich! 'Can you marry ! Me?' - That's Brand Recognition'

6. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: 'I am very rich. Marry me!' She gives you a nice hard slap on your face. - ' That's Customer Feedback '

7. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: 'I am very rich. Marry me!' And she introduces you to her husband. - 'That's demand and supply gap'

8. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before you say anything, another person come and tell her: 'I'm rich. Will you marry me?' and she goes with him - 'That's competition eating into your market share'

9. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before you say: 'I'm rich, Marry me!' your wife arrives. - ' That's restriction for entering new markets '

Screaming competition

2010-02-12T16:53:00.001-08:00

An Italian, a Frenchman and an Indian was drinking at a bar
discussing what they had done the previous evening.

The Italian says: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body
with the finest olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made her
scream non stop for five minutes."

The Frenchman says: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body
with a special aphrodisiac oil, then we made passionate love. I made
her scream for fifteen minutes straight."

The Indian says: That's nothing. Last night I massaged my wife all
over her body with a special butter. I caressed her entire body with the
butter, then made love and I made her scream for two long hours."

The Italian and Frenchman, astonished, asked, "Two hours,
phenomenal!

How did you do it to make her scream for two hours?"

Indian : "I wiped my hands on the curtains."

Friend's Birthday

2010-02-12T03:59:00.000-08:00

Today is my friend's birthday , although i was invited through FB , but there i missed the important message , telling us not to buy presents. But anyway , since i was early ( He is always late ) , i walks around to search for items that are not really suitable for him.

Always wanted to buy a bra for him , to fulfill his fantasy , but quickly empty my thought on that , because there only i know it cost A LOT , A LOT MORE THAN UNDERWEARS. I gave him a T-shape underwear ( PINK with hello kiddy pic) last year , and he said it was too tight , so i decided not to give the same item again.

After turning around and around at the women section , i felt that i should leave , as both the customers and staffs were looking at me with an unfriendly gaze , it really chilled me through my bones.

Anyway , i walk again, drifting in this gigantic shopping hall , and there i came across an anime/toy/figures shop. I went in without a doubt , knowing my beloved birthday boy is an OTAKU , wanted to give him what he always wanted...

And this caught my eye

I looked at my wallet , then i decided to keep looking. Then i came across this

I looked at my wallet , then i decided to keep looking.

Then i received a call from him , so i end up not buying anything~~

Karaoke

2010-02-11T05:16:00.000-08:00

Went to Sing K , and there i sat in the room for 4 hours for 9 bucks , with a drink called "Grape Rainbow" . I cant really see "rainbow" since the room was pitch dark , and the taste was hardly grape.

And there i got this Ass Ache , which i called AA symptom , infected when you have body ache , and sit at the same position for 4 hours.

The AA was so bad that i shouldn't sit for the rest of the day , and , as expected , i have to spent my night standing.....Now i realize how is it to fell like a zebra , who always sleep standing.

Rubber Bags.

2010-02-11T05:08:00.001-08:00

There's an Englishman, Irishman & Scotsman all talking about their teenage daughters..

The Englishman says " I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day & I found a packet of cigarettes. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she smokes".

The Scotsman says " That's nothing. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I came across a half full bottle of Vodka. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she drank."

With that the Irishman says " Both of you have got nothing to worry about. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I found packet of condoms. I was really shocked. I didn't even know she had a cock."

Kids and Toys

2010-02-11T05:08:00.000-08:00

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. One night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down .. and saw her husband was holding abattery-operated pleasure device.. a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a "real one"

She went completely ballistic. "You impotent *******," she screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!" The husband looked her straight in the eyes and said calmly: "I'll explain the toy.. you explain the kids.

Marriage?

2010-02-11T05:02:00.005-08:00

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want then, when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Man: Is there any way for long life?
Dr: Get married.
Man: Will it help?
Dr: No, but the thought of long life will never come.
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Why do couples hold hands during their wedding?
It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!
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Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?
Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.
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It's funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged.
It's like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered.
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It is difficult to understand GOD. He makes such beautiful things as women and then he turns them into Wives.
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If u r married please ignore this msg,
for everyone else: Happy Independence Day
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Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say.
After marriage, he'll fall asleep before you finish.
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There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.
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Girlfriends r like chocolates,
taste good anytime.
Lovers r like PIZZAS, Hot n spicy, eaten frequently.
Husbands r like Dal RICE, eaten when there's no choice.
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Man receives telegram: Wife dead-should be buried or cremated?
Man: Don't take any chances. Burn the body and bury the ash.
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Prospective husband: Do you have a book called 'Man, The Master of Women'?
Salesgirl: The fiction department is on the other side, sir.
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Q: Why dogs don't marry?
A: Because they are already leading a dog's life!
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There was this guy who told his woman that he loved her so much that he would go through hell for her. They got married and now he is going thru hell.
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Fact of life: One woman brings you into this world crying & the other ensures you continue to do so for the rest of your life!
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Q: Why doesn't law permit a man to marry a second woman?
A: Because as per law you cannot be punished twice for the same offence!

Grandma Goes to Court

2010-02-11T05:02:00.004-08:00

Defense Attorney: What is your age?

Little Old Woman: I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you?

Little Old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?

Little Old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down beside you?

Little Old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?

Little Old Woman: No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner passed away 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Woman: He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little Old Woman: No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years.

Defense! Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just spread my old legs and said to him, "Take me, young man, Take me!"

Defense Attorney: Did he take you?

Little Old Woman: Hell, no. That's when he yelled, "April Fool!". And that's when I shot the son of a b****!

THE GREAT DATE

2010-02-11T05:02:00.003-08:00

These three teenage girls were roommates. One Friday night right after the semester started they all had all gone out on dates, and by chance all came home at about the same time.

The first one came in and said with a smug look on her face, "You know you've been on a good date when you come home with your hair all messed up."

The second one laughed at her and said, "No, no, that's nothing! You know you've been on a good date when you come home with your makeup all smeared."

The third one sat quiet with a blank stare on her face and didn't say a thing for a few minutes. Then she reached under her skirt, removed her panties and threw them against the wall, where they stuck with a loud thud!

She said, "Now THAT'S a good date!!"

With great pill comes big risks

2010-02-11T05:02:00.002-08:00

After many years of married life, a man finds that he is unable to perform his duties as a husband between the sheets. He goes to his doctor, tries a few things, but nothing works.
"It's all in your mind," says the doctor, and refers him to a psychiatrist.
After a few visits, the shrink confesses: "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured." The psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor.
The witch doctor says: "I can cure this."
He throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. "This is powerful healing, but you can use it once a year," says the witch doctor.
"All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"
The guy then asks the witch doctor: "What happens when it's over?"
The witch doctor says: "All you or your partner has to say is '1234' and it will go down. But be warned; after that it will not work again for a year!"
The guy goes home, and that night he is so excited and anxious to surprise his wife. They get into bed and he says: "123," and just like magic he gets an erection.
His wife rolls over and asks: "What did you say '123' for?"

2010-02-11T05:02:00.001-08:00

a young boy wakes up in the middle of the night and goes to the bathroom for a drink of water. as he passes his sisters room he hears a noise coming from it. his sister is in bed rubbing herself all over going.
"i want a man. i want a man"

the next night the little boy gets up and goes past his sisters room and the same thing again but louder
" I WANNA MAN, I WANNA MAN."

on the third night he goes past and he can hear another voice coming from his sisters bedroom. so he looks in and his sister is with a man.
so with that the little boy runs back to his bedroom jumps into his bed and starts rubbing his self all over shouting

"I WANNA BIKE, I WANNA BIKE."

2010-02-11T05:02:00.000-08:00

A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race come about?"

The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children; and so all mankind was made."

Two days later she asks her father the same question. Her father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys and we developed from them."

The confused girl returns to her mother and says: "Mom, how is it possible that you told me that the human race was created by God, and Papa says we developed from monkeys?"

The mother answers, "Well dear, it is very simple. I told you about the origin of my side of the family, and your father told you about his side."

The Black Sheep

2010-02-11T05:00:00.001-08:00

A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math and science.

One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child. The tribe is shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gives birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"

The professor replied, "No, Chief. You're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion."
The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what. You don't say anything more about that sheep and I won't say anything more about that white child."

Letter

2010-02-11T05:00:00.000-08:00

Dear Abby,

I am a sailor in the New Zealand Navy. My parents live in the suburb of Seatoun and one of my sisters, who lives in Palmerston North, is married to an Australian. My mother and father have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Auckland. I have two bothers, one who is currently serving a

non-parole life sentence in Mt. Eden Prison, Auckland, for the rape and murder of a teenage boy in 1994; the other currently being held in the Wellington Remand Center on charges of incest with his three children.

I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in Christchurch and indeed is still a part-time "working girl" in a brothel. However, her time there is limited as she has recently been infected with an STD. We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into the possibility of opening our own brothel, with my fiancee utilizing her knowledge of the industry working as the manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, at least it would get them off the streets and, hopefully, the heroin.

My problem is this: I love my fiancée and look forward to bringing her into the family, and of course I want to be totally honest with her. Should I tell her about my cousin who graduated from Auburn University?

Signed,
Worried About My Reputation

GOING ON A DATE

2010-02-11T04:54:00.004-08:00

Emily, I don't know what to do," Gloria said to her friend at work. "That good-looking Alan in accounting asked me out for Saturday night. Should I go?"

"Oh, my gosh," her friend exclaimed. "He'll wine you, dine you, and then use any ruse to get you up to his apartment. Then he'll rip off your dress and you'll have fantastic sex!"

"What should I do?"

"Wear an old dress."

2010-02-11T04:54:00.003-08:00

A 5 year old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?"

Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend now. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend."

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister.

The minister said, "Hello, son, is your Grandma home?"

The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."

The minister fainted.

2010-02-11T04:54:00.002-08:00

Dr. Phil was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed.To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turns to the third mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. This, too, manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At that point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered:
"Come on D|ck, we're leaving!"

2010-02-11T04:54:00.001-08:00

HEART CONDITION

2010-02-11T04:54:00.000-08:00

The medics rush Mr. Steinberg to the hospital in the middle of the night, apparently with a massive heart attack. The doctors work on him all night and morning and finally discharge him to ICU, where therapy continues.

In a couple of days Mr. Steinberg's physician comes into his room and says, "Sol, I'm happy to tell you that you are completely well. You have the heart function that you did when you were a fifteen-year-old lad. We're going to send you home tomorrow. You don't have to worry about your heart; do any physical exercise that you like."

Mr. Steinberg goes home and that evening is talking with his wife: "Doris, you'll never believe it: I'm completely well. I have no worries with my heart. Tonight, Darling, you and I are going to make love like you've never had before, wild, passionate sex....you'll love it!"

Doris thinks for a minute and says, "I don't know, Sol. I've heard about active sex and heart conditions. I don't want it to be on my head if you croak while we are making love. Maybe, just maybe, if your doctor wrote a note to me saying that everything was OK... maybe I would have such sex with you."

Mr. Steinberg was dejected, but the next day he was in his doctor's office; his doctor tells him, "Sure, sure, Sol, no problem, I'll write the note. Let's see, here's my prescription pad."

Mr. Sol Steinberg, a patient of mine, has the heart function of a fifteen-year-old lad and can have mad, passionate, adventurous sex any time that he so desires.

Dr. Aaron Katz

"Now, I'll just address this...By the way, Sol, what's your wife's first name?"

"Uh, Doctor, could you just make that, To Whom It May Concern?"

Three answers most scared by men

2010-02-11T04:47:00.005-08:00

(Whatever)
Men: What to have for dinner?
Women: Whatever..
Men: Why not we have steamboat?
Women: Don't want la, eat steamboat later got pimples in my face
Men: Alright, why not we have Si Chuan cuisine
?....... Women: Yesterday ate Si Chuan, today eat again?
Men: Hmm..... I suggest we have seafood
Women: Seafood no good la, later I got diarrhea
Men: Then what you suggest?
Women : Whatever..

(Anything)
Men: So what should we do now?
Women: Anything
Men: How about watching movie? Long time we didn't watch movie
Women: Watching movie no good la, waste time only
Men: How about we play bowling, do some exercises?
Women: Exercise in such hot day? You not feel tire meh?
Men: Then find a cafe and have drink
Women: Drink coffee will affect my sleep
Men: Then what you suggest?
Women: Anything

(You decide)
Men: Then we just go home lo
Women: You decide
Men: Let take bus, I will accompany you
Women: Bus is dirty and crowded. Don't want la
Men: Ok we will take Taxi
Women: Not worth it la... for such a short distance
Men: Alright, then we walk lo. Take a slow walk
Women: What to walk with empty stomach woh?
Men: Then what you suggest?
Women: You decide
Men: Let's have dinner first
Women: Whatever...
Men: Eat what?
Women: Anything
%^^$&^&^&^^*&£© (Look around... no one here, gonna kill her....)

FAMILY HISTORY

2010-02-11T04:47:00.004-08:00

One day a sweet little girl becomes puzzled about her origin. "How did I get here, Mommy?" she asks.

Her mother replies, using a well-worn phrase, "Why God sent you, Honey."

"And did God send you too, Mommy?" she continues. "Yes, Sweetheart, he did."

"And Daddy, and Grandma and Grandpa, and their moms and dads, too?"

"Yes, Honey, all of them, too."

The child shakes her head in disbelief. "Then you're telling me there's been no sex in this family for over 200 years? No wonder everyone is so grouchy!"

Subject: The Good Wife

2010-02-11T04:47:00.003-08:00

Ahha....that's a good one, so u still unmarried guys out there, consider this b4 tying the knots ooh!!!

A couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party
with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."

"Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife.

"I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face. I'm going to have a beer."

The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?"

She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany,
Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was,
"Yes, Lollipop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses... "

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?" She took a
huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really
delicious...I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

"You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie h?" She opened the oven and took out
5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and pork strips.

"But my sweet honey...at the bar....you know there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."

"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? ...."LISTEN UP D*CKHEAD! SIT DOWN, SHUT THE F*CK UP, DRINK YOUR DAMN BEER IN YOUR DAMN FROZEN MUG, AND
EAT YOUR F*CKIN' HORS D'OEUVRES. BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO A F*CKIN' BAR! THAT SH*IT IS OVER...GOT IT, AS*HOLE?"

And, they lived happily ever after. the end...

2010-02-11T04:47:00.002-08:00

A father puts his three year old daughter to bed,
told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying
'God bless Mommy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma and good-bye grandpa.'
The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye grandpa?'
The little girl said, 'I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the
thing to
do.'
The next day grandpa died.
The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and
listened to her prayers, which went like this:
'God bless Mommy, God Bless daddy and good-bye grandma.'
The next day the grandmother died.
Oh my god, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say,
'God bless Mommy and good-bye daddy.'
He practically went into shock.
He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his
office.
He was
nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock.
He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.
He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day
he stayed there,
looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.
Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said
'I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?'
He said 'I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my
life.'
She said 'You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened
HERE.
He asked 'What'??????
She said 'This morning our neighbour James suddenly died.'

2010-02-11T04:47:00.001-08:00

SHOULD YOU GET MARRIED?

2010-02-11T04:45:00.001-08:00

Men who can answer "yes" to five or more of these questions should consider carefully before proposing marriage:

* In the kitchen, has she ever referred to an oven as "that square thing?"

* Does she use the phrase "you know" more than twice per sentence?

* Is she making monthly payments of more than $300 to a plastic surgeon.

* Have you noticed her name tattooed on three or more local bikers?

* Have you noticed three or more local bikers' names tattooed on her?

* Does she regularly compare your love-making talents to an old boyfriend's?

* Does she regularly compare your love-making talents to the Green Bay Packers?

* Does she have a wholesale source for Deodorant-in-a-Drum?

* Has she ever used the word poo-poo?

* If forced to use it at all, does she choose to spell the word sex?

* Does her resume include a six-year stint at Big Leg Emma's House of Painful Delights?

Women who can answer "yes" to five or more of these questions should consider carefully before accepting a proposal of marriage:

* On his first date with you, did he pick you up early so you could help with his laundry?

* To reach him in an emergency, would anyone think to call the local adult bookstore?

* Has he ever bragged about seeing every episode of "Gilligan's Island" at least four times?

* Is it unclear to some people whether that's a mustache or just a lot of unruly nose hair?

* Is his idea of a classy restaurant one where every table has its own stack of ketchup packets?

* Does his car get more than sixty miles per gallon?

* Does the label on his deodorant include the phrase "Industrial Strength?"

* Has he memorized the telephone number of at least one bail-bondsman?

DOPEY

2010-02-10T15:34:00.001-08:00

Six of the seven dwarfs are sitting around the house one day when Sleepy rushes in and says, "Guess what guys, I've won a trip to see the Pope!" Everyone gets all excited and chants, "We finally get to ask him, we finally get to ask him."

The next day, they are standing in front of the Pope, Dopey out in front of the other six. All the other six start pushing Dopey and saying, "Go ahead, Dopey, ask him, ask him!"

The Pope looks at Dopey and asks, "Do you have a question to ask me, young man?"

Dopey looks up shyly and says, "Well, yes."

The Pope tells him to go ahead and ask. Dopey asks, "Well, do....do they have nuns in Alaska?"

The Pope replies, "Well, yes, I'm sure we have nuns in Alaska."

The others all keep nudging Dopey and chanting, "Ask him the rest, Dopey, ask him the rest!"

The Pope asks Dopey if there's more to his question, and Dopey continues, "Well, uh, do they have, uh, black nuns in Alaska?"

To which the Pope replies, "Well, my son, I think there must be a few black nuns in Alaska, yes."

Still not satisfied, the others keep saying, "Ask him the last part, Dopey, ask him the last part!"

The Pope asks Dopey, "Is there still more to your question?"

To which Dopey replies, "Well, uh, yeah..... are there, uh, are there any midget black nuns in Alaska?"

The startled Pope replies, "Well, no, my son, I really don't think there are any midget black nuns in Alaska."

At this, Dopey turns all kinds of colors, and the others start laughing, and yelling, "Dopey screwed a penguin, Dopey screwed a penguin!"

IS THAT ALL....

2010-02-10T15:33:00.004-08:00

A young couple were married, and celebrated their first night together, doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, all night long. Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when he emerges from the shower. He asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom.

When she gets to the bathroom door, he opened the door, exposing his body for the first time to his bride where she sees all of him well. Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped and stared, and she asked shyly, "What's THAT?" pointing to a small part of his anatomy. He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, "Well, that's what we had so much fun with last night." And she, in amazement, asked, "Is that all we have left?"

PUNISHMENT TO FIT THE CRIME

2010-02-10T15:33:00.003-08:00

One day mom was cleaning juniors room and in the closet she found a bondage S+M magazine. This was highly upsetting for her.

She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him.

He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word.

She finally asked him, "Well what should we do about this?"

Dad looked at her and said, "Well, I don't think you should spank him."

HE FINALLY SCORED

2010-02-10T15:33:00.002-08:00

Paul and Simon are sitting in the cafeteria discussing their weekend.

"Man this weekend was the best!" Paul says. "I finally scored."

Simon says, "Yeah, well I scored and it was the worst experience I've ever had."

"How so?"

"That girl Cecilia brought me back to her room and said she would do anything I want. So I asked her to go down on me, and she said no problem. In the middle of the whole thing, she starts turning green, coughing like crazy and passes out."

"Damn!" Simon says. "What happened?"

"Turns out she's allergic to nuts."

A CANDIDATE FOR WORKMAN'S COMP?

2010-02-10T15:33:00.001-08:00

A guy was driving down the road in his car. A prostitute walks out in front of him. He smacks her with the bumper of his car and knocks her down. He immediately stops the car, jumps out and runs to the lady lying on her back on the road.

She is groaning in pain. She mumbles, "I think I'm blind, I think I'm blind..."

Quickly the guy holds three of his fingers up in front of her and says, "How many fingers do I have up?"

"Oh my God," she says. "I'm not paralyzed too, am I?!?"

GIFTS

2010-02-10T15:31:00.004-08:00

The very snobbish wife was discussing the subject of Christmas presents with her maid.

"Now what about the butler?" the rich woman said.

"A set of wine glasses?" the maid suggested.

The woman frowned icily. "He doesn't really need that. A butler never entertains. He'll get a tie."

The maid grimaced, but said only, "What about a dress for Jenny, the serving girl?"

The woman frowned again. "She doesn't really need a new dress. She'll only get in trouble. We'll get her another apron."

The conversation continued in the same vein, and the maid was chafing at her employer's arrogance when they reached her husband.

"I assume you want to get him something he really needs, madam?" the maid replied.

"Of course," the woman replied.

"Then what about five more inches?"

Family problem any one??

2010-02-10T15:31:00.003-08:00

==============================
Two men, one American and an Indian were sitting in a bar drinking shot after shot. The Indian man said to the American,
"You know my parents are forcing me to get married to this so called homely girl from a village whom I haven ' t even met once."
We call this arranged marriage. I don ' t want to marry a woman whom I don ' t love... I told them that openly and now have a hell lot of family problems."
The American said, Talking about love marriages... I ' ll tell you my story.
I married a widow whom I deeply loved and dated for 3 years.
"After a couple of years, my father fell in love with my step-daughter and so my father became my son-in-law and I became my father ' s father-in-law.
Legally now my daughter is my mother and my wife my grandmother.
More problems occurred when I had a son. My son is my father ' s brother and so he is my uncle.
Situations turned worse when my father had a son. Now my father ' s son i.e. my brother is my grandson.
Ultimately, I have become my own grand father and I am my own grandson.
And you say you have family problems........... ??
Gimme a break!

2010-02-10T15:31:00.002-08:00

A man dies and goes to Hell. The devil greets him, "You may choose which room you wish to enter. Whichever you choose, the person in that room will switch with you. They’ll go to heaven and you’ll take over until somebody switches with you. So go on, pick a room."

The devil leads him to the first room where someone is tied to a wall and is being whipped. The second room has someone being burned by a torch. The third has a man getting blown by a naked woman.

"I choose this room!" the man says.

"Very well," the devil says. He walks up to the woman and taps her on the shoulder.

"You can go now. I’ve found you’re replacement."

FIRST IN LINE

2010-02-10T15:31:00.001-08:00

A Sailor met a good looking blonde at the bar and was trying to get laid without much success.

"I don't date servicemen," she said, "but I am curious as to why you sailors have those two rows of buttons on your pants."

"Why, that's because we have two d1cks," the sailor replied.

"Interesting, probably twice as much fun," replied the blonde, "let's go to my place and try them out."

So they did, and after the first screwing the blonde says, "Boy, that was sure nice. Now that I'm rested and still horny, I want the other one."

Whereupon the sailor undid the other side of buttons, pulled out a limp, weary d1ck, looked at it and sadly declared, "Well, I'll be damned! He's pouting because he wasn't FIRST!"

NEW BROOM

2010-02-10T15:29:00.008-08:00

A woman was waiting in the checkout line at a shopping center. Her arms were heavily laden with a mop and broom and other cleaning supplies. By her actions and deep sighs, it was obvious she was in a hurry and not happy about the slowness of the line.

When the cashier called for a price check on a box of soap, the woman remarked indignantly, "Well, I'll be lucky to get out of here and home before Christmas!"

"Don't worry, ma'am," replied the clerk. "With that wind kicking up out there and that brand new broom you have here, you'll be home in no time."

LATE FOR WORK

2010-02-10T15:29:00.007-08:00

Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him.

"What's the story this time, Jones?" he asked sarcastically. "Let's hear a good excuse for a change."

Jones sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning, Boss. The wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the drawbridge got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river -- look, my suit's still damp -- ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Thompson's helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes."

"You'll have to do better than that, Jones," said the boss, obviously disappointed. "No woman can get ready in ten minutes."

ROLL OUT THE BARREL...

2010-02-10T15:29:00.006-08:00

Two ship captains were sitting at the bar one night getting good and lit when one turned to the other and said, "You know what gets me, though, is these damn sailors! Oh sure, they're fine for the first few weeks, but on those three-month trips at sea they start getting pretty hard up. With all the whacking off going on, it's a wonder any work is getting done, and it's making a mess all over the ship. I don't know what to do!"

The other captain smiles knowingly at his companion. "Oldest trick in the book. You take the crew and divide them into two teams. Then you buy about 50 barrels and put them on the ship. You tell the crew that the team that fills the most barrels wins a bag of gold."

"Well that's a great way to keep the ship clean, but then I'm out a bag of gold every trip!"

"Not so," replied the other captain. "After you get back to port, take all the barrels together and sell them to the wax factory to make into candles. You make a tidy profit every time."

The captain pondered this and the next day, he took his friend's advice and divided the crew, bought a bunch of barrels, and set off to sea. Before long, the crew took to the new system and began filling barrel after barrel.

When they finally reached port, the captain sold the barrels for a huge profit. 'This is great,' thought the captain, 'before long, I'll be able to buy a new boat!'

This went on, voyage after voyage. Then one day, the ship happened back to that very first port. Coming down the gangplank, the captain was surprised to see the cops waiting for him. As they slapped the cuffs on him, the captain cried out, "What's the meaning of this?!"

"You sick *******," replied the cop. "Remember all those barrels you sold to the candle factory last time you passed through town?"

"Sure," said the captain. "What about 'em?!"

"Well, they made them into candles, sold them to the convent, and now all the nuns are pregnant!"

LATE FOR WORK

2010-02-10T15:29:00.005-08:00

NEW BROOM

2010-02-10T15:29:00.004-08:00

ROLL OUT THE BARREL...

2010-02-10T15:29:00.003-08:00

THE INEXPERIENCED MAN

2010-02-10T15:29:00.002-08:00

A woman took an inexperienced man home one night. When they got to her apartment, she suggested that they try a 69.

"What do you mean?" he asked.

Not knowing quite how to explain, she said, "You put your head between my legs and I'll put my head between your legs."

Still unsure but willing, he agreed. As soon as he got his head between her legs, she let out a rip-roaring fart.

"What the hell was that?!?" he asked.

"Oops! I'm so sorry! Let's try again," she said.

On the second attempt the very same thing happened. The man immediately got up and started getting dressed.

"Where are you going?" she asked.

To which he replied, "If you think I'm sticking around for 67 more of those, you're crazy!!"

CINDERELLA AND THE PUMPKIN

2010-02-10T15:29:00.001-08:00

Cinderella was sitting on her porch just weeping and sobbing when suddenly a Magic Fairy came by and asked her why she was crying. She told the Fairy that she was always forced to work on the pumpkin farm and therefore never found any time to meet guys and never got laid.

Upon hearing this, the Fairy suddenly took out her magic wand and pointed it at the pumpkin and turned it into the most beautiful dildo a girl could ever dream of. However, she warned her that she can only use this dildo until midnight and not to dare try it longer than that.

Obviously, Cinderella paid no attention to the warning and started to have fun with the dildo totally loosing track of time. When the Fairy came back the next day, she realized that Cinderella was still crying except only harder and louder and obviously in a great deal of pain!

She immediately went down to her and asked her how yesterday went and Cinderella said it went really well until Midnight.

"So what are you crying about?" the Fairy asked.

"Because you never told me this thing would turn back INTO a pumpkin after midnight!"

WATERBED SEX

2010-02-10T15:28:00.000-08:00

Chad went to a bar and ordered a drink. A few minutes, a beautiful blonde sat down next to him and started coming on to him. Soon she invited him back to her place. Overcome with excitement, Chad agreed.

When they got to the bedroom, Chad exclaimed "Wow! A waterbed. I've never had sex on a waterbed before."

Soon they were both naked and going at it. The blonde stopped him and said, "Before we go any further, don't you think you should put on some protection?"

"Good idea," he responded and got up. Chad walked out of the room, and when he came back, he was wearing a life preserver.

A SPICY STORY

2010-02-09T15:33:00.003-08:00

A woman was riding on a plane next to another man in first class. The man sneezed very hard, pulled out his penis and wiped the tip off.

The woman couldn't believe what she just saw and decided she was hallucinating.

A few minutes passed. The man sneezed again. He pulled out his penis and wiped the tip off.

The woman was about to go nuts. She couldn't believe that such a rude person existed.

A few minutes passed. The man sneezed yet again. He took his penis out and wiped the tip off.

The woman finally had enough. She turned to the man and said, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've removed your penis from your pants to wipe it off! What the hell kind of degenerate are you?"

The man replied, "I am sorry to have disturbed you, ma'am. I have a very rare condition such as that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

The woman then said, "Oh, how strange. What are you taking for it?"

The man looked at her, grinned and said, "Pepper, of course."

2010-02-09T15:33:00.002-08:00

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."
The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."
The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."
"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
"Tiger Woods."
"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"
"Yeah."
"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."
The husband and wife then make passionate love.
When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
"What are you doing?" asks the wife.
The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.
When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.
The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it again."
The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.
When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"
"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."

THE PALM READER

2010-02-09T15:33:00.001-08:00

Paul was ambling through a crowded street fair when he decided to stop and sit at a Palm Reader's table.

Said the mysterious old woman, "For fifteen dollars, I can read your love line and tell your romantic future."

Paul readily agreed and the reader took one look at his open palm and said, "I can see that you have no girlfriend."

"That's true," said Paul.

"Oh my goodness, you are extremely lonely, aren't you?"

"Yes," Paul shamefully admitted. "That's amazing. Can you tell all of this from my love line?"

"Love line? No, from the calluses."

2010-02-09T15:33:00.000-08:00

Making Cakes

2010-02-09T15:31:00.006-08:00

There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench.

The little girl says, "Mummy, what are they doing?" The mother hesitates then quickly replies, "Ummm they are making cakes."

The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys having sex. Again she asks her mother what they are doing and her mother replies with the same response, "Making cakes."

The next day the girl says to her mother, "Mummy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the lounge last night, eh?" Shocked, the mother asks, "How do you know?"

She says, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa."

A PRICK

2010-02-09T15:31:00.005-08:00

While away at a convention, an executive happened to meet a young woman who was pretty and intelligent. When he persuaded her to disrobe in his hotel room, he found out she had a superb body as well. Unfortunately, the executive found himself unable to perform.

On his first night home, the executive walked from the shower into the bedroom to find his wife covered in a rumpled bathrobe, her hair curled, her face creamed, munching candy loudly while she flipped through a movie magazine.

Then, without warning, he felt the onset of a magnificent erection. Looking down at this, he snarled, "Why you ungrateful, mixed-up son of a b*tch. Now I know why they call you a prick!"

SAUSAGE

2010-02-09T15:31:00.004-08:00

Janey was walking down North Main Street in Danville. As she walked past the delicatessen, she glanced into the shop window. There, nestled in amongst the salami, was a sign proclaiming "Fresh from Warsaw-World's Largest Sausage."

Hanging on a large hook above it, was the most enormous sausage she had ever seen. It must've been at least eight inches in diameter, and two feet long.

"That's a two-man zeppelin, not a sausage," she thought. "Oh well, I'll try anything once."

So she walked into the shop, heaved the 20 lb. monster down off the hook and, plunking it down on the counter, presented it to the shopkeeper, who immediately wrestled it onto the machine and started slicing it up.

"Hey, what the hell are you doing?" cried Janey in dismay. "What do you think I am? A slot machine?"

A True Love Summary

2010-02-09T15:31:00.003-08:00

In those glorious days of mid-twenties dating, your sex life is one of the most exciting things known to man. If it�s not, take my word that you need to get out there quickly and start humping like a horny hamster. The only way you can survive what comes next in life is to pound as much hot ass as you can before you cross over to the other side. And by that I don�t mean becoming a homosexual. I�m talking about stepping to the other side of a threshold that will keep your d*** dry for increasingly more painful stretches of time. I�m talking about sex after 5 years of marriage!

The honeymoon is over, buddy! At first I couldn�t figure out how I got here, so I decided to look back at the various stages that lead me to this accelerated stage of blue balls. I figured it was my duty as a card carrying man to relay this info to my fellow men so they can identify how close they are to this pitiful existence and maybe find a cure for all of us.

Phase 1: The First Date
(AKA: Man do I wanna poke her!)

At this point it�s not even totally about sex; it�s more about the anticipation of sex. You�ll think to yourself, �Damn she�s got a tight ass!� and all you�ll want to do for days is get your hands on it. You may even be so bold as to compliment how good her ass looks. But if you�re smart, you�ll realize ahead of time that the reason she keeps wearing that same pair of jeans is because it is the only thing that can keep all that sloppy ass in one place and looking like it is firm when it isn�t. Yet somehow it doesn�t matter to you. The entire goal of life during the first stretch is get past dry humping and get to working the bases like Ricky Henderson. If she finally unloads a truckload of unmanageable ass on you the first time you get her clothes off, you can simply hit it, quit it and forget it with no real harm having been done. This is the phase that the vaginal euphemism �strange� comes into play. All p**** is brand new and different from the last time. Enjoy this phase, guys- it will be the second best time of your sexual life.

Phase 2: Regular Dating
(AKA: She called you her boyfriend in public; now her friends are off limits.)

When you first started dating her, she was often drunk and let you pound her on top of that old console television, but that wore off after a few weeks of regular dating. The dating phase can offer some hot moments, like sex in a moving car, or that soapy shower sex thing, but this phase is definitely all about quantity and not quality. Any chance you get to whip it out, she is typically glad to oblige. She knows this is the best shape your d*** will ever be in since you are already moving past your sexual peak, and she full well plans on taking advantage of it. She knows there will never be another time in her life when you will be able to regularly give her three orgasms in one night. Most women will even dole out regular blowjobs during this phase, if only to keep their love hatches from taking too much steady abuse from your eager man hammer. In fact the ease with which you are able to �talk her into� the blowjob during this phase is typically what leads directly to the next phase.

Phase 3: Just Got Engaged
(AKA: Now that I�ve spent money, I�ll get sex all the time!)

This is the phase where you will experience your first draught. That weekend when you propose will definitely involve some sex, but to your dismay it will be the kind where she holds your face and looks into your eyes, not the kind where you bend her over the arm of the lazy boy. It�ll be the kind where she cries and makes you say, �I love you� when you cum, not the kind where she howls like Kim Catrall in Porky�s. Two weeks later, as soon as the wedding planning is in full swing, the sex starts to slowly fade away. Your lady will be focused on gabbing about cake and dresses with the girls until 3AM instead of spinning like a dreidel on top of your love pole. As your d*** starts to go unused you�ll begin to wonder absurd things �why don�t they show SportsCenter at a few more times a day�, or �why do they keep giving the belt to HHH,� or, if things have gotten really bad, �shit, I never realized how funny 'Home Improvement' was!� Take my advice, guys. As soon as you hit this stage establish that regular poker night with your buddies. She probably won�t notice you�re even gone at first and believe me, after she does notice, she was gonna yell at you about how you weren�t involved enough in the wedding planning anyway. So there is no need to worry about the repercussions. There�s also no way she is gonna push you to get too pissed off when her dad just put 10 Grand down on the wedding hall.

Phase 4: Almost Married
(AKA: Jesus Hector Christ, am I actually going through with this?)

You�re probably asking how guys even end up married if the draught after engagement is so bad. This next phase is the direct answer to that question. As soon as things look really awful and you are getting closer to the big day, something happens. All of a sudden she is all about pleasing you for a change. You begin to see sexy lingerie appear and all manner of dildos, vibrators and edible body creams. She starts taking you out to dinner and your favorite action movies, then taking you home and seducing you to 70�s funk records that you know she hates. In fact, several other surprising things happen. All of a sudden you don�t have to watch "Desperate Housewives" or reruns of "Friends". I distinctly remember that this was the only time in history that not only did she allow me to watch almost every game of Dodgers spring training that was televised, but that I even got a blow job during two of them! She would actually let me listen to Aesop Rock and Slipknot in the car. And when I accidentally stepped on her Jack Johnson CD she didn�t say a word. This was one of the best times of my life that lasted right up until the bachelor party.

It wasn�t until much later that I found out why. Guys, I�m here to tell you that the Bridal Shower is your best friend. I found out later from one of my wife�s girlfriends that they were the ones who had supplied her with all the toys and hot lingerie that had made me so happy during those months. My wife�s whole group of friends had actually planned how to keep my d*** so �worked out� up until the night of the bachelor party that there was no way I would f*** things up by having sex with some hooker.

Phase 5: After the Bachelor Party
(AKA: f***, she thinks I did something!)

The Logan's Run - She actually can renew!
I would love to tell you that I didn�t do anything at my bachelor party, but I was so f***ed up that when I woke up in the morning in a room with three of my buddies, two hookers, some type of mule and a tranny, I was extremely happy not to remember what exactly had happened, or how we had even gotten into Canada with livestock. I know, however, that it really doesn�t matter what happens that night though. She is going to use that night as the moment you f***ed up all the good things she had been doing for you, and that now you owe her, big time, no matter what. If you are lucky enough to get any sex during this phase, I can guarantee it will be whatever she wants and having nothing to do with you or your needs. In fact, this was probably the first period in my life when I ever had sex without cumming. She got hers and pushed me right off on to the floor. In fact, after that she wouldn�t even do it with me again until the wedding. She said something to the effect of �We can�t do it for 2 months so that I can be like a virgin for you on our wedding night�. At this point, the invitations are all out and you�ve already paid for the honeymoon, so there�s really no turning back. You may, however, want to take this time to start investigating your state's divorce laws, just in case.

Phase 6: The Wedding Night And Honeymoon
(AKA: Now the P**** is mine, legally!)

The night of the nuptials is spectacular! You thought she was kidding about that whole renewed p**** thing, but she was totally right. You almost feel like you�re doing something wrong since she feels like a 15 year old virgin, but hey, even if you�re in Kentucky and she is, she is yours legally now and you can bang her sideways anyway you like! She realizes that you actually did work hard on planning the honeymoon and the sex is solid the whole week. In fact, you may even go three times in one day like you did during Phase 2.

Phase 7: The Honeymoon Is Over
(AKA: Hey That's My Closet!)

This is, surprisingly, only a short dry spell. By the time you get back from the honeymoon both of you are more focused on figuring out how to cash checks that have both peoples names on them than trying to figure out how to keep the heat from the honeymoon going. As soon as the checks are cashed and the gift certificates are spent your mind is preoccupied trying to figure out how to use that combination blender and Foreman grill that you can�t even fit on the counter in your two-bedroom apartment. Occasionally, missionary position sex happens in this phase, but you both start to schedule those Saturday night rendezvous to make this happen. You also won't want to touch her for weeks after she "accidentally" trashes your iPod, your 12-year collection of Playboys, your PSP and all the games, and all the beer has been moved to an Igloo cooler in the garage.

Phase 8: The Trusting Wife
(AKA: Who is this woman and how�d did she get in my house?)

People think it�s all downhill after the honeymoon, but that�s not true. This is perhaps the best phase of all, but sadly leads directly to the worst. Your wife now has complete trust in you! You�ve been married a couple of years and something you didn�t expect to happen, just did. You wife is hitting her sexual peak! All of a sudden she wants you to tie her up, pull her hair, spank her and call her all those dirty names you hear in the Jill Kelly movies. Because she trusts you so much, she actually comes up with the idea to let you give her a long one in the wrong one! She is the one flirting with hot girls at the bar and bringing them home for hot threesomes (mostly the kind that leave you sitting on the sidelines, but that�s okay since you haven�t seen another set of bare breast that wasn�t on Skin-A-Max in four years)! All you can think is that you�ve made the best choice possible. You are totally in love with this woman and you will never leave her.

Phase 9: The Career Wife
(AKA: Who�s got the bigger balls?)

Then right when things are as good as they could possibly be, she gets the promotion she�s been wanting. Now everything is about her life, her schedule and her needs. Don�t think you�ll be watching the end of that Lakers game. Dammit, "ER" is on, and she has got to unwind. If you say anything about having needs yourself, be assured that you won�t be getting any for a long time. In fact, any sex that you might get during this phase is not typically desirable, unless, of course, you like her tying you down, spanking you with a wooden 2x4, and stirring your lunch with a strap-on "John Holmes" dildo. I don�t know about you, but my dirt path is exit only. Just the thought of the amount of hair that would be ripped out back there makes me cringe!

Phase 10: The Delivery Room
(AKA: Why does the doctor have that cold metal saw in his hands?)

Everyone knows that pregnant wife sex can be kind of fun. Something about her hormones turning upside down makes splattering your unborn seed with baby-batter all the more fun. The problem is after she has the baby. I know it�s cruel, but it�s hard to wanna jump in where you just saw a human exit. And God forbid there were any complications or a large amount of cutting during the birth. I could watch Tyson bite Holyfield�s ear off twelve times, but when the OB/GYN calls for a scalpel and blood squirts the nurse in the face, that�s pretty much when I pass the f*** out. If women were smart they would let us sit in the lobby and smoke cigars like we used to. That would certainly lead to way more sex later. After the first kid sex is at best a once a month deal.

Looking Forward To Those
Scheduled Rendezvous With Your Lady?
Phase 11: 5 Years after marriage
(AKA: The Party�s Over!)

Now she is back at work, being a career mom. The kids are always around. You are both disgusting around the mid section and you can�t remember any positions other than missionary and doggy style. She�s got a picture of Johnny Depp on one wall to get her hot, and she buys you Taylor Hayes movies to watch just so you can keep it up. Your medicine chest is full of anti-depressants, vitamins, , Rogaine, Pro-Activ, Preparation-H, Botox and Tums, and it takes regular doses of each just to stay interested in each other. There is a calendar in the bedroom that marks the few days in each couple of months when you might send the kids over to a friend�s house and try to have sex, but usually that just turns into a chance to finish reading "The DaVinci Code" or "The Broker". You d*** is in dry dock. The high point of your sex life is now beating off to Jillian Barberie on "Good Day LA" on Tuesdays and Thursday.

So for all you young bucks out there rocking your designer jeans and getting all that strange, enjoy it for the rest of us. It�s hard for me to even remember what a tight sexy ass and well-groomed pubes look like on women. Let alone breasts that don�t look like those bags you use to draw with frosting on birthday cakes. I envy you all and please feel free to send pictures.